sometimes i honestly don't think i'll live past my 20s. sometimes i honestly don't want to. like, i want to be in a band, or i want to be a body modification artist. those are my dreams, and they are stupid, but i want to change people's lives. i want to make them feel better. but i know that in reality, i'm probably not going to do either of those things. i will probably have an office job that i will always say is temporary, but i will stick with for years and years. i will probably marry someone, not because i live them, but because they stuck around. i will probably be stuck when i'm 50 in a marriage with someone i tolerate in a job i don't like, wondering what the hell happened.

and i don't want to live in that world. i don't want to live that life, because if i'm going to be miserable, what is the fucking point? why the fuck am i alive right now? why do i even fucking bother? i don't like it here, i don't want to be here, i don't like who i am, i just don't. and i know that suicide is supposed to be "the coward's way out" but me being a coward? that's not exactly a recent discovery.

i'm just so fucking tired and i keep on trying to find something to help me be okay and i keep on coming up short.