Today was quite possibly one of the most emotionally stressing I have had in a while for no specific reason.
I started the day by waking up crying because of I nightmare that kind of opened up a lot of old wounds and poked at a lot of insecurities. After I had calmed down, I realised that I was incredibly tired. So tired, in fact, that I collapsed as soon as I got up. I tried to solve this with a gargantuan mug of tea. In first period, I had a math test. At 8 AM. I did alright, despite my lack of sleep. Then during second period I promptly crashed. And burned. You think Chernobyl was bad? That bitch ain't got nothing on me.
Second period finally ended, which was good because at that point, I was stabbing myself with a pencil to stay awake. During break I just gave up and took a nap on a bench. It was surprisingly comfortable.
Third period is art. That was all good. Nice and peaceful, just creating value scales with tempra paint. But then, the teacher called up everybody to have their picture taken. I feel like I should clarify that I hate having to have my picture taken when I am tired. I don't like having my picture taken on normal days, but when I'm tired, I loathe it. What I hate even more than that is having to smile. I don't find smiling natural or pleasant. It just doesn't work on my face. But my teacher wanted me to smile, so I smiled because I like her and she just wants me to be happy and then I saw my picture and why do I have to be so god-awfully hideous? Then I had to struggle to hide an anxiety attack.
Fourth period was choir. Normally I love that class, but today I fought back tears for the entirety of it. At one point I escaped to the bathroom so I could have a bit of a cry without anybody noticing.
Lunch was loud and dismal.
The rest of the day was just lethargic. I just wanted to crawl in a corner and cry. I still sort of do. I dissected flowers in biology (boringly easy) and then had gym (terrible).
I want to conclude by saying this: I haven't self harmed in a week and I am miserable. I was happier when I was cutting daily because you know what? The reason why self harm is so addictive is because it works. You hurt, then you feel better. And now I'm supposed to stop doing the only thing that made me keep on going and be happy about it? Why do I have to quit in the first place?
I agree. Life is quite confusing, and sometimes quite terrible.
ReplyDeleteA lot of people I know (including me) are very confused or sad or messed-up at the moment, in some way. I've had some emotional roller coasters myself, what with a breakup I didn't know what to do with, a speech tournament, sleep deprivation, and thinking about the future.
Someone should save us all from tomorrow.