yesterday i started to feel like crap about my body again.

yay.

logically, i know that there is nothing spectacularly terrible about the way i look. a little sickly, maybe, kinda short, some acne, but nothing too bad. i know that i'm not fat. i just. sometimes i feel so goddam worthless. i feel big and clumsy and ugly and i know that everybody feels that way at one point or another in their life and i know that i don't need to lose weight, but i feel like i should.

last summer, i stopped eating for a bit. i would go for as long as i could stand without food, and when i had to eat, i obsessed over calories. i would exercise until my inhaler wore off and i got an asthma attack, and i still wouldn't eat. i stopped dong that a few months back, and in hindsight, i'm glad i got out before i got in too deep, but sometimes i still feel like maybe i should start again. i don't want to, but they keep cheering me on.

they're not bad, per say, but if i have a negative thought, they latch onto it and start shooting it back at me 24/7.
fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat a mantra that they pound into my head until i can't think anything else.

i have friends that would yell at me if i tried to tell them this. they would say that i'm an idiot and that i'm not fucking fat so i should stop fucking saying it, and i know that i shouldn't feel bad about the way i look, but that's not gonna stop me. i don't try to be insecure, i just fucking am.

what a talent, huh?