I'm tired. I don't mean sleepy, just tired. Today is one of those days where I get the whole 'the heart is the epicenter of all feeling' shit because the brain may be where feelings take place, but your chest is where you feel it. It feels like I've lost something, and now there is just this gaping hole where it used to be and I'm so desperate to get it back, but I don't know what it is, so I'm left frantically for an unknown object in an unknown place with no hiding spots and I can't see what I'm doing, but I just need this unknown thing more than I need air but I can't find it because it doesn't exist.
I could easily see myself growing up to be an alcoholic. I heard somewhere that people with a history of alcoholism in their families are more likely to become alcoholics themselves, and I certainly have enough alcoholics in my family for that to apply. My mum's an alcoholic. I have a few blurry memories of when I was young of watching my mother get drink after drink after drink and her crying and screaming and the days after were the ones when my father would drop my sister and me off at school and would say goodbye but couldn't bring himself to look into our eyes. At every single family gathering everybody gets drunk and laughs and yells and argues and my uncle talks about all the kids he beat up in school, but he "wasn't a bully. You know, kids like that, they just get beat up." And my grandfather, whom I normally adore talking to, as he is an author and he knows more about poetry than anybody I have ever met, talks about "the dykes and the fags and the Jews" and he doesn't know he's being offensive, he's just old (he fought in World War II for chrissake) but I'm bisexual and my girlfriend is Jewish and he doesn't know about any of that and it just hurts because I love him so much but he can never know the details of my life because he will never forgive me.
But yes. Alcohol. I see all of this, and I still see the appeal. I've had a few glasses in my life. A glass of champagne at New Year's, a glass of wine when relatives are over, and it's tingly. a sip makes everything a bit warmer and brighter, and I'll be the first to admit that I need a little bit more warmth in my life. I can see myself becoming an alcoholic, but I don't want to. I don't want to be one of those people who get a bottle and they drink until they cry and they drink until they stop and they drink just because they have the bottle in their hands and what the hell else are you supposed to do?
Moving on,
I have been thinking about getting another piercing. There is this great place in San Francisco called Body Manipulations (link even though I am fairly sure you are not in California) who does every piercing with a hand held needle. I've gotten my other piercings done there and the feeling is fantastic. It hurts less than you'd think. There's a little bit of a sting when the needle goes through the skin, but after that it's just this slow sort of burn, this stretch that hurts in the best way possible. It's like a wave that you could ride for-fucking-ever and it's just fuckin' awesome. There's another way that I am fairly certain I will end up as; twenty-five and covered in tattoos and piercings. They will love me at airports. (I also might give my uncle a heart attack, but that's just a bonus.)
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