all in a week's work.

my feet are covered in bandages
my knees are mottled purple and yellow and green from bruises new and old
my thighs ache from over use

there are deep circles under my eyes that are purple around the edges
the nail polish i applied the other day in a fit of boredom is pink and sparkly and chipped
my knuckles look strange in this light
scarred and bruised and knobbly

what remains of my eyeliner is smudged up to all hell
my stomach hurts
it's so fucking quiet tonight

earlier i got angry
i swilled coca cola like whiskey
paced a divot into my carpet
and drew until ink and graphite stained my fingertips
and my heart felt like it would burst.

and now i want to be angry
like i so often am
but i just don't have the energy to feel much at all

i am fucking sick of the world we live in. i am sick of this fucking 50's mentality of what womanhood should be, i am sick of the people who surround me, i am fucking sick of it all. i am fucking sick of the fact that because of my genitals, anything i say can be written off as the ravings of a mad woman. i am sick of being helpless, being pushed down, muted, put on hold. i fucking hate that no matter what i do or what i say on here, i'm just screaming into the faceless void of the internet and hoping that what i hear is something more than the echo of my own voice. i hate that i don't change anything, i hate that the world is not on my side, and i hate that all the same i will scream until my voice is hoarse and my lungs give out and i will bang my fists against the table until they bruise and bleed to try and be heard. i fucking hate that i will die before i quit because there is an optimist inside of me that refuses to give up hope that maybe one day, someone will scream back.

there's just something about the stars tonight
that i can't put my finger on
i'll chase and chase it while it flits away
as soon as i touch it, it's gone

there's just something about the stars tonight
that's making me feel awful sad
it's rhyme without reason, it blooms out of season
it's enough to make someone go mad

there's just something about the stars tonight
that's making the sky seem so blue
there's just something about the stars tonight
and it somehow reminds me of you.

i wanna sing one for the cars that are right now headed silent towards the highway, abd it's dark, and there is nobody driving, and something has got to give.

so yesterday i went to my first ever proper gig. it was the Mountain Goats playing at Bottom of the Hill in San Francisco, and it was fucking awesome. it wasn't a really big venue, and all the people there were fans and it just had this sense of... camaraderie. there's just something about being smushed into a small space with a hundred other people, all in varying states of intoxication, and all singing the lyrics to the same song. i don't know what it is, but i definitely like it.

and right now, it's 2:06 in the morning and in the small amount of light coming from my screen, i can still see the fading X's of sobriety on the backs of my hands. and nobody else in the house is awake. and i can hear the cars speeding towards the never-ending Somewhere on the highway. the crickets are chirping, but never as happily as they once did. the moon is waning, the clocks tick on, and it is a very, very big universe we live in.

the night is warm in California.

xoxo

for those who think this is going to be entertaining, fuck off.

so more and more often lately, i've been avoiding writing about things that happen in my life because i'm afraid that you won't want to hear about my sad, depressing emo rambles. i have also come to the conclusion that this is faintly ridiculous. if you don't want to read my sad, depressing emo rambles, then fuck off. seriously. you are completely delusional if you think this blog is about anything other than me. i write what i want to write, you can read if you want to read. if you don't, then don't because i could honestly not give a flying fuck on a stick. this isn't about you. none of this is about you. this blog is a completely selfish, whiny, bitchy, depressing, piece of shit. you are here purely of your own free will. this is the textual equivalent of you sitting in while i ramble enthusiastically at a wall. you can leave at anytime, ridiculing or insulting me will do nothing, and you can do whatever the fuck you want because you know what? i am going to ramble at my fucking wall and nothing you can do will stop me. you want to be entertained? fuck off. you think i'm awful for not entertaining you? fuck off and die. i am a selfish fucking bitch, go find your own goddam wall. you need it.

diddly bobbity diddly doo
i fucked your dad in the ass 'till 2

boppity poppity diddly dee
eat shit.

love,
Frank.

yeah i'm double-blogging it.

so i did some research (read: freaked out and texted my therapist) and apparently not being able to focus is a symptom of depression.

cuz i don't have enough of those already. woo! everything feels like shit! i can't sleep! i want to die! and i can't even do my homework!

woo fucking hoo.

anywho, my psycho therapist thinks i'm hallucinating. more specifically, she thinks i'm hallucinating due to combined lack of sleep and high anxiety.

i'm not hallucinating.

i know that other people can't normally see what i see or hear what i hear, but i'm not hallucinating. nobody sees the world through the same pair of eyes, everything is different. some see more some see less some see things other people can't some people refuse to see anything beyond their noses. i'm not hallucinating. i'm not fucking crazy.

today i was talking about anger and rage and somebody spoke up and said

what are you even raging against?

but that's not the point. sometimes you don't need anything to rage against, you just need to rage. you need to riot, you need to make a scene, and you need to find your passion(s). and you need to scream something, even if it's just "i have something to say."
yell
scream
swear
punch shit
rage.
and never say it's not your problem. because the future is always going to be there and somebody you love is gonna be right there with it.

so fucking rage while you're still angry.

i feel... weird. it's like my head is full of static. everything's jumping from one thing to the next and i just can't focus. i'm tired and i'm jittery and i keep getting distracted. everything is everywhere and i feel both panicky and deathly calm. i just don't know.

i don't know i don't know i don't know and it's really freaking me out.